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This has to do with today's phanniversary, but it might be difficult to explain how. It's all fluffy on Tumblr but it's more complex in my head, I guess.

The Old 97s, “Rollerskate Skinny”
Girlyman, “Genevieve
Tegan & Sara, “Where Does The Good Go
Nate Borofsky, “At Least You Tried” -- hopefully you have this because it was never released! sadly
Girlyman, “Storms Were Mine
Outkast, “Hey Ya
Rhett Miller, “Nobody Says I Love You Anymore
Dar Williams, In Love But Not At Peace" -- this is just not on Youtube, which is weird to me, but I guess not everything that's on an album is.
Antje Duvekot, "Dandelion"
Joe Iconis & Family, "Penny Dreadfuls"
Dar Williams, "The Easy Way" -- oh gods this is from 2009. That makes me feel old. 2009 seems so long ago when it's Dan & Phil meeting, and so recent when I still think this is a newer Dar song because it's not from 2004.

 


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I have a new thing where when I go to bed, I fullscreen my time machine story document, and I have to write at least a sentence in the morning before I do anything else. It's only been a couple days, but I've been doing it. It seems to be more feasible than trying to submit a play every morning. Other productivity things are... iffier.  I just don't really understand the gap between the stuff I can make myself do and the stuff I can't, but I guess maybe it's just about what feels easy.
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Sometimes I feel like I really want to work on a project. But not the one I have, that I should be working on? Or maybe it could be, but I feel stuck, or I just want to get off the computer. But that's harder than it should be? Why don't I just write longhand? Or do I need something less in my head? I don't have an embroidery project currently, and I don't know what to do with my collaging, and it's just always words on screens and I don't know why it's so hard for me to do the things I want to do.
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Maybe next year Halloween costume: glam rock version of something recognizable
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It is easier to come up with pretty iconic anti-marriage songs I omitted ("Ampersand"? How did I miss that before? And I've been specifically avoiding marital infidelity but I might do a separate sub-list) than the other list but I'm gonna put some here and maybe both lists will expand. I had to broaden my reach on this a little but hopefully it still coheres.

Foo Fighters, “Everlong
Joey Ryan, “Permanent” - This song still really reminds me of my temp agency sitcom idea
Indigo Girls, “Love Will Come to You” - Is this really optimistic, or is just about trying to be optimistic?
David Bowie, “Modern Love” - Do I really even know what he's saying about modern love? I guess I'm taking it as it's scary and kind of bullshit but he's drawn in anyway.
people in productions of Company, “Being Alive
JoCo, “My Monkey

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 In honor of how much I enjoyed dancing the crap out of #1 on this list at a wedding while very aware of how lyrically inappropriate it was for the event, here are my top 3 songs you probably shouldn't play at a wedding (except play #1 anyway because it's fun and maybe to throw a bone to those cynical single people who have been a good sport).

Outkast, "Hey Ya"

We're About 9, "For One More"

Carly Simon, "That's The Way I Always Heard It Should Be"

Amanda Palmer, "Ampersand" (and I guess "The Bed Song," but it's kind of more just COMMUNICATE people.)

Joe Iconis, "The Guide to Success"


The opposite (?) of this playlist to come; songs that are optimistic about marriagey things like "forever" and love but without annoying me too much and maybe with a more complex approach.


The subplaylist:

The Spring Standards, "The Hush"
The Old '97s, "Designs on You"

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 I feel like it's sort of more awkward to be that bridesmaid who doesn't wear makeup when most of the other bridesmaids also don't wear makeup in their real lives, and talk about how little they know about makeup and how little they have, but they're still doing it for the wedding. But I'm like, probably no one's gonna offer to do my makeup because they don't want me to feel guilty or anything, and obviously they're not confident in their makeup skills, and I both don't want to ask because people are rightly spending their time on themselves, and because I have kind of been put off people doing my makeup in a real situation by really awkward/bad/excessive makeup in playful situations, and I'm just generally not convinced that experimenting is a good idea when you have to go stand in front of everyone at someone's wedding whether it works out or not. (Christine did Raisa's makeup, but someone else was like hey, should we get Christine to help you with your makeup? Which is interesting, because that could feel awkward or condescending or guilt-inducing as much as with me, and I don't know if the difference is rooted in some assumption that having been socialized as a girl my whole life, my makeup ignorance is more my choice -- probably accurate -- or that Raisa "needs" makeup more to be perceived as a woman -- not accurate imho. It also could just be like, maybe expectations are different when it's your sister's wedding and your wife is officiating it and stuff.) But like, the more effort other people put into their appearances, the more I feel guilty I'm not? I feel like maybe I redirected that guilt into stress over things like standing in the right spot and getting every tiny thing right. Which, like, the fact is that the bride did not care about any of those things. And if she wanted me to wear makeup, she would have said. But I guess I'm also slightly confused by the fact that everyone else who doesn't wear makeup normally does so for a wedding (and like let's be real, their skin is good and they look good without it). Maybe I'm just behind my social groups and in a few years I'll be looking for events as excuses to figure out makeup things instead of looking for excuses to wear dresses I have/like. I guess I came out of the whole thing feeling kind of good about these dresses I have, but also aware of how bad I am at girl stuff and even understanding the social aspects of it, like I missed when my group was going upstairs to get ready in the same large bathroom and got ready in a small bathroom by myself, but also if I'd been up there it probably would have been awkward because I just put on my dress and put some gunk in my hair and painted my nails.

I'm probably just procrastinating but like this isn't fandomy enough for Tumblr or short enough for Twitter and sometimes it's just thoughts.

Edit- I just remembered, I think Raisa had some makeup she was maybe looking intimidated by or trying, and that is probably the difference. Like, maybe if I had been staring in confusion at some mascara or something, someone would have been like 'hey Christine, help Susanna with makeup.'  But I'm not convinced that I should have done that, for the aforementioned reasons.
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Amanda Palmer, "Bottomfeeder"
I should be all about "Ukulele Anthem" but instead this is the kind of song that can make me feel like why am I trying to do things when other people are so good at what they do.

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survivors are part turtle
we are part potato bug
we know enough to go fetal 'til it's still up above
and you gotta crawl through the desert between when you hear it and when you can play it with your hands
just to rendezvous with whoever you are
when you finally understand

ani difranco, "lag time"

I don't really know what it means exactly but it means something to me.

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 On the futuristic black dress costume issue, what about villains? What are good iconic villains that could maybe be stylized involving that dress? Or less iconic villains for which that dress might be more accurate?
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Current thoughts on my secondary Halloween costume for the Dresden Dolls show (primary is Neville's gran but the bird is too big for concertwear): I need to wear my strappy black platforms with the woodish soles, because I need the height. Also they're cute. But I really don't want to be stuck behind some tall guy while wearing flats.

So, I also feel like a Dresden Dolls concert is a good excuse to wear my black sci-fi dress (I had a better picture at some point from the actual brand, but I have since cut off the tag and I don't remember) that I am always looking for an excuse to wear.  I feel like it's got a daleky androidy futuristic vibe that could translate into Halloween-appropriate and Dresden Dolls-appropriate.

So, I welcome any ideas of what I could "be," especially with the shoes and the dress, that's not obnoxious for myself or others at a concert.

It could be a stylized version of something.

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I'm unhappy with my productivity level. I'm going to make new rules and try to do better.

I'm going to put the same restrictions (no nights and weekends except when notifications or IM conversations need my attention) for all social media.
I'm going to remember that Pokemon Go is supposed to be fun and when raid stuff gets annoying (like, all of the past several weeks) I should just not.
I'm going to put a running to-do list on my giant blasted (professor) oak white board.
I'm going to go back to keeping a weekly list of events and priorities for each day.

Now, one of the problems with social media restrictions is that I often break them on my iPod when I'm waiting for my computer to load something for an inordinate amount of time. So, maybe I should have a notebook at hand for longhand stuff, but also maybe I should try to improve my computer's functioning.
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Sometimes you have a meeting, then spend a half hour on Tumblr in a parking garage because you thought it was free if you leave after 8 but actually it's 9, and wuss out of playing Magic: The Gathering with people because you have stuff to do and should go to bed early (and also because it's been a lot of years since you've played and you usually get thoroughly lost in the parking lot of said people's apartment complex). But then you cook and eat and replace a trash bag, but don't really get much done anyway and don't go to bed early.
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Why do I get suddenly addicted to a song I've heard before and liked but in a normal sort of way that is quickly forgotten as I move on to the next song? Some songs I'm immediately addicted to, or rediscover and become readdicted after previous obsession, but this happens too.

Childish Gambino, "Redbone"
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Since I seem to be a person who posts songs that relate to the political horrors of the current world:

Lauren Marcus, "What It Really Cost You"

Unrelatedly, I relate to the fact that Paul Simon has 2 songs about thinking too much (or like one is a reprise?):

Paul Simon, "Think Too Much (a)"
Paul Simon, "Think Too Much (b)"

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 I guess John Craigie often takes not that hard universal things and makes them into songs that are simple and funny and also give feelings (e.g., "What Phase Is This" = everything changes).  "What Phase Is This" is definitely my favorite, but there's something to be said for "Lucky to Be Alive."
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Time is kind of baffling.  Like, I listen to "What Phase Is This" and think about the times and chronology of my life and things that should be obvious hit me again. Like, my best-friend-breakup happened before I had even started at Flying V.  And like,  we knew 'Michael in the Bathroom" together, but out of context, and then by the time the show happened it meant a lot more to me.  I'm thinking about this because I was writing a tumblr thing about how I don't ship Michael & Jeremy partially because it's really important to me, personally, that "Michael in the Bathroom" is about a friend breakup.  But also, like, I've been out of college for 5 years.  I don't even know if it seems like it's been longer or less long than that; college was just so separate a phase. I met Mike just a few weeks over 5 years ago, and I kind of feel l like I've known him forever.  But the fact that Nate and Kirsten (see, no ampersand) have been together for 10 years is just bizarre and makes me feel old.

I guess maybe that fact that the phase I'm currently in involves Flying V and Mike and Nate and Kirsten (I think the ampersand temptation is because for whatever reason Nate and Kirsten sounds way better than Kirsten and Nate), and there have been interim phases between the beginnings of those relationships and now, makes those things feel like they've been part of my life forever.  But then it's kind of weird that the 10 years feels so long, because Kirsten almost literally has been part of my life forever, and if I feel like I've known Mike longer than I have, should I feel like they've been together longer?   But maybe it's different because they've still been together less than half the time I've known Kirsten, and some of those years count extra because we spent so much time together.


This doesn't have to do with anything except it's by the same guy as "What Phase Is This?" 
John Craigie, "I Wrote Mr. Tambourine Man"
In some ways, this song reminds me of conversations I have with my work bestie Lou, because we (more so him) seem to say things that sound good but don't ultimately make much sense.  We can have lengthy, interesting conversations about things we may or may not have said just to say them, though.  And there are some great lines in here.  (I also like how much John Craigie writes about other music? I guess it kind of reminds me of "Doin' The Things That We Want To" / I Saw The Land Before Time II.)

(tbh I'm actually obsessed with this song.)
(out of 7 billion people, let the ones who don't love you go/ when the apocalypse is over, I hope you like your job/ain't it a shame, nobody sets anybody free anymore.)
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 Lil Dicky, "Save That Money"

Also just realized that I'm going to miss July's Super Doubles while I'm in Boston/camping.  Not that I don't have too much food as it is.
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Song I Thought I Understood and Definitely Thought Was More Positive and Less Political:
Ani Difranco, "Red Letter Year"

Like, seriously, why did I only remember the first stanza of lyrics?  It's pretty clear now that I'm listening.  I guess it was from a happier album for her, but it's sounding Bush-era to me right now.

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Fun fact, I had literally started a playlist with a song by a certain band and then the sexual assault allegations hit the spotlight and instead I got into an interesting conversation with Mike (who can't enjoy an Orson Scott Card book) about separating art from artist.  I can enjoy Orson Scott Card books, and I like Annie Hall and I generally just try not to give money to terrible people.  (But let's be real, I try to avoid giving money to most people unless I'm convinced they're gonna use it to make the world less terrible. Money is the worst.)

Anyways, I haven't decided how I feel about playlisting that particular song.  It's not, like, an important song for me, just something fun that I was feeling at that moment.  So probably I won't.  It's a little weird, though, because I had been actively trying to get into their stuff.  And it sucks that people can stand up for things you support and know cool people and then... how much does that matter if on a personal level, they do really awful things?  We used to talk a lot at Swat about sexual assault in the queer community, but I don't know that I've been aware of any "public figure" situations like this, although I easily could have missed them in the way that most of the world has missed this one (because most "public figures" in the queer community are very niche).

I don't really have a point.  It reminds me a little of a horror piece we have in Fights, which deals in some ways with the idea that you never really know what terrible things your neighbors might be doing just out of your range of perception.  And I guess it's a form of your-fave-is-problematic, but I think there's an extremely big difference between Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley pretending to be conjoined twins and rape.  (AFP has been sort of vague and noncommittal about this situation, but I don't totally blame her; I'm sure it's harder to believe accusations when they're against your friend, and it's also harder to say anything right when you're in the public eye and people are always looking to crucify you from one side or another.  It's also hard to fault her for supporting the truth and compassion, even as a cop-out, because I'd like more truth and compassion in the world.)

This evolved from what I thought it was going to be.

Humanity, man.  Sometimes I think my greatest contradiction is in misanthropy and compassion, but maybe it's like my weird inability to stay depressed, and I've never really been a misanthrope.
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